Found in translation

Tom Herman at his first spring practice of 2017 (Joe Cook/IT)

Tom Herman at his first spring practice of 2017 (Joe Cook/IT)

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Tom Herman is the “new guy” around here, so consequently, he needs a translator. Since I’ve been occupying this particular space for more than 12 years now, I’m uniquely qualified for the role, and am thus hiring myself. You’re welcome.

Through the years, I’ve translated Mack Brown, Nebraska football fans, Aggies and Charlie Strong. I’ve tried to translate the NCAA, but have not been as successful in that endeavor.

Herman had more media availability than usual this week, before and after the first spring practice, which gives us a perfect opportunity for translation…we all need to get a grasp of what the new coach is “really” saying so that we can be ready for September, and know what we are hearing.

So, here we go:

Herman: “Nobody stood out, offense or defense. Nobody stood out good or bad. Not running around in underwear.”

Translation: “The fact that any of you people would ask me who stood out on the first day of spring practice is asinine. Having cleared that up, we didn’t even stretch well today. In our underwear.”

Herman: “I haven’t played a full Big 12 schedule to know whether this talent is good enough to win every game in the Big 12.”

Translation: “I’m going to say this so people will be under the impression that the Big 12 is a ton better than my old conference, but honestly, my Cougars would’ve ROLLED just about everybody in this new league I’m coaching in. How’d ya’ll do against OU last year?”

Herman: “The NCAA mandates that we have to be in shorts and helmets. I’m not sure why, but they do. I think Coach Brown once famously said, ‘You don’t tell divers to go practice diving the first two times without any water in the pool,’ so I’m still not sure why we don’t allow them to put their safety equipment on.”

Translation: “Seriously, no matter where I’m coaching, the NCAA is always getting in my business. Leave. Me. Alone.”

Herman: “What do they have to lose? If I had lost seven games in three straight years and you told me to jump, I’d ask how high. Something has to change.”

Translation: No translation needed.

Herman: “Shane Buechele got disciplined as hard as anybody got disciplined today. That’s the way we do things around here. He was loose with the football and every single offensive coach undressed him.”

Translation: “Sam Ehlinger will be our starting quarterback.”