The NCAA hasn’t revealed the news just yet, but I will soon be named as the organization’s new Commissioner Of All Things (COAT).
As such, I need to go ahead and lay out a few of my first items of business, once the NCAA makes the news official.
Side note to NCAA: we need to talk more about my salary…
1. Recruiting – I must warn the NCAA, member institutions, administrators and coaches: I like students and athletes more than I like you. Much more. If you are a coach, please know that when you recruit an 18-year-old, and their parents, to come to your school, you will be required to stay at that school, too. You might be surprised to know, coaches, that commitment runs both ways. No more telling recruits and their folks that you will treat them like they are “one of my own” in the recruiting process, only to leave five minutes after they sign on the dotted line. Coaches – honor your contracts. Schools – make your coaches honor their contracts. Student-athletes – go to class. Simple.
2. Texas vs. Texas A&M in football – Look, this is ridiculous. I want my Thanksgiving back, and since I’m the COAT, I’m demanding that Texas play Texas A&M every Thanksgiving after the Cowboys play their game. Chancellor McCraven: you found Bin Laden, so I am confident you will be able to successfully locate reason and common sense somewhere within the city limits of College Station in order to make this happen.
I know, locating common sense in College Station is probably harder to find than Bin Laden. I get that. But find John Sharp, sit down in a booth at the Dixie Chicken, and utilize your Special Forces mind tricks to get this done. If this doesn’t work, call me, and since I’m the COAT, when he sees me walk into the room he’ll fold like the Aggie football team in November and next thing you know we will be serving Texas-Texas A&M football with our giblet gravy.
3. Geography – Yes, geography. As the COAT, there will be some absolutes, pertaining to geography. Duke and North Carolina – you WILL NOT be playing any NCAA basketball games in North Carolina. Sorry, but North Carolina (the school) playing NCAA games in North Carolina (the state) is almost as dumb as Texas and Texas A&M not playing football. The NCAA currently – prior to my reign – LOVES to overuse the term “student-athlete” at the same time they are rolling wheel barrows full of money into the bank lobby.
When North Carolina (the school) plays NCAA tournament games in North Carolina (the state), it’s certainly lucrative, but just as certainly unfair for the other teams. The new COAT says “no mas” to this. Roy and Mike are going to have to hit the road.
4. Geography, Part II, Women’s Basketball – Connecticut (the school) played NCAA tournament games in Connecticut (the state). Sorry, Geno, but this is unacceptable. The COAT hath spoken.
5. Officiating – It would be worth taking the job as COAT for this reason alone. Football officiating is horrendous. Basketball officiating is only slightly less than horrendous. Not only are on-the-field officials sorely lacking in judgment, but the conference “head of officials” folks simply add to the train wreck that is football officiating by refusing to hold the on-field officials accountable when they directly impact the outcome of a game (see the UT-Oklahoma State game from a couple of years ago). And all you have to do to determine the quality of basketball officiating is watch the second half of the Gonzaga-North Carolina final, if you can.
My first act as COAT will be to fire all of the conference “head of officials” and immediately create a new position who will be in charge of every zebra who has ever blown a whistle, working directly for me: Boss Of Officials (BOO).
Can’t wait to get started.