Let’s start with the obvious: we didn’t lose to the Cal Golden Commie Pinkos because of a missed extra point. We lost because we lost both starting safeties, one to injury and one to dumbassery, the 10 points we gave up while my wife left to pee just before halftime, the first two offensive turnovers of the year, a few inopportune Daje drops and two rushing first downs by a quarterback who is slower than Donald Trump’s arm bimbo.
Let’s play a game called “Which is the Most Annoying?” In the spirit of participation trophies and bolstering Little Johnny’s self-esteem, there are no right or wrong answers – there’s just the answer that’s best for you. Afterward, we’ll have a half-and-half pumpkin latte and talk about our feelings. Ready?
The older I get, the less certain I am of things. Brash, cocky, unyielding and in yo’ face has given way to subtle, nuanced, and contemplative. Black and white evolved into hundreds of shades of gray.
The flurry of emotions I felt Saturday night washed over me like rape allegations coming at Bill Cosby on Twitter. The first ones were self-effacingly sort of expected, then they kept coming and coming and coming until I thought they would never stop and I could no longer deal with their volume, frequency or level of intensity. Joy. Elation. Nervousness. Excitement. Hope. Frustration. Vindication. Sweet, sweet vindication.
Last Saturday’s white-knuckle win over Iowa State sent me searching for a specific quote. At first, I was trying to remember what Copernicus said about a team whose mascot is the Cyclones, but whose sideline has a guy walking around in a big, red bird costume, but I came up with less than a Ferguson, Missouri grand jury. Then, I recalled something better by a famous American musician.
We have more money, power, and influence than just about anybody in college athletics. We can’t find a kicker? Seriously? The Kardashians can’t find their own ass? Lindsey Lohan can’t find somebody to screw? Gloria Allred can’t find a TV camera? Justin Bieber can’t find a bag to administer a feminine hygiene fluid? Obama can’t find a foreign policy excuse?
Evidently, one of the benefits of temple garments not listed in “A Marvelous Work and a Wonder” is they let white guys with average speed run through Texas Longhorn defenses like crap through a goose.