C-BOG: Charlie Don’t Surf

If “Apocalypse Now” is not somewhere in your list of top 10 Movies of All Time, I am forced to question not only your aesthetic taste but also your manhood. Based on Joseph Conrad’s “Heart of Darkness,” the film is Brando’s second-best performance (behind “The Godfather,” but ahead of “On the Waterfront”) and the greatest war movie ever made.
Think about it: Martin Sheen more brilliant than he’s ever been on screen. A young Harrison Ford. An even younger Laurence Fishburn. Attack helicopters. Wagner. Napalm. Surfing. Robert Freakin’ Duvall. Madness in the film. Go-go dancers. Madness off-screen. Daily, sometimes hourly script re-writes.“You’re an errand boy sent by grocery clerks to collect a bill.” Chopped up water buffalo.

If that doesn’t move you, I can’t help you. Go home, open a nice chardonnay and rewatch “27 Dresses,” “Sweet Home Alabama,” and “When Harry Met Sally” to see if the girl still gets the guy at the end.

In honor of Francis Ford Coppola and the newly-christened head football coach at the University of Texas who happens to be named Charlie, I note the following:

Charlie don’t surf.

Charlie don’t hip hop.

Charlie don’t gangsta.

Charlie don’t earring.

Charlie don’t gold front teeth.

Charlie don’t bling.

Charlie don’t skip class.

Charlie don’t “Hook ‘em” unless you earn the right.

Charlie don’t care if he was 15th on the list.

Charlie don’t care if he was 100th on the list.

Charlie don’t do media.

Charlie don’t do schmoozing.

Charlie don’t do the Longhorn Network.

Charlie don’t put up with crap.

Charlie don’t suffer fools.

Charlie don’t have any problem identifying the fools.

Charlie don’t read Internet chat boards.

Charlie don’t care what you say about him ‘coshe’s heard it all before.

Charlie don’t skip workouts.

Charlie don’t waste time.

Charlie don’t speak in riddles or clichés.

Charlie don’t make splash hires.

Charlie don’t have trouble identifying a real football coach.

Charlie don’t have trouble identifying a real recruiter when he sees one.

Charlie don’t care about Play Station offense.

Charlie don’t need your opinion.

Charlie don’t need your advice.

Charlie don’t care that you graded him a C+.

Charlie don’t care that some rich fool called him a position coach.

Charlie don’t mind running off 4 and 5 star players if they’re not gonna get with the program.

Charlie don’t mind running off 4 and 5 star boosters if they’re not gonna get with the program.

Charlie don’t do anything without a purpose.

Charlie don’t explain his purpose to you.

Charlie don’t want to hear your excuses, ‘cos

Charlie don’t make excuses.

Charlie don’t forget every single time he was passed over for a head coaching job.

Charlie don’t forget that some crackers don’t like a black man married to a white woman.

Charlie don’t wanna go to his happy place.

Charlie don’t wanna think happy thoughts.

Charlie don’t wanna get the chip off his shoulder.

Charlie don’t wanna stop ‘till he’s proven every hater who ever doubted him dead wrong.

Charlie don’t want his players to get the chips off their shoulders, either because

Charlie knows “Angry men win football games.”

Sometimes, angry coaches, too.

Hook ‘em.

A 1986 graduate of the University of Texas, Jeff Conner has held many jobs in his life: husband, brother, uncle, son, oil field roustabout, short-order cook, sandblaster, irrigation pipe mover, musician, retail assistant manager, attorney-at-law, public school teacher, preacher, cartoonist and writer. While he does have a hot, young wife, Conner is neither as clever nor as good-looking as he believes himself to be. Jeff is currently teaching 8th grade math and Pre-A.P. algebra in Taylor, Texas, home of the Fighting Ducks. Conner’s regularly submitted commentary appears in and Inside Texas Magazine. The opinions presented do not necessarily reflect the views of the Inside Texas editorial staff.