There’s a brand new dance/ But I don’t know it’s name/ That people from bad homes/ Do again and again/ It’s big and it’s bland, full of tension and fear/ They do it over and over, but we don’t do it here: fashion! -David Bowie
What a disappointing day this past Saturday was. Not only did the Horns not play, but we were forced to suffer the indignities of bad football piled on top ofhorrifying fashion choices. Oregon’s pink helmet, black shirt and pants uniforms turned them into giant tampon dispensers. Notre Dame and Southern Cal stripped down to bra and panties for a girls-only tickle fight. Both teams combined scored as many points in the second half as Congress did during the latest government shutdown, that is to say, none. Georgia, a preseason pick to contend in the SEC, lost to Vanderbilt, a school the entire State of Georgia can’t spell (most common misspelling: “Van Deer Butt”), much less qualify to attend.
Clemson, the Texas Longhorns of the ACC, built their program carefully with top recruiting classes, an excellent “Eat Mor Chikin” Bowl win over guess-if-he-took-his-lithium-or-not Les Miles’ LSU squad and a head coach apparently named after something cartoon character Fred Flintstone said on TV in 1966. It was all for naught, however, as Clemson crapped out against Florida State, losing 51-14 in the college football version of a national TV, prime time simultaneous swirlie and purple nurple.
I never have been a fan of Clemson’s purple and orange uniform look. It reminds me too much of a kid who pukes his Halloween candy.
I felt even worse for signal caller Tajh Boyd, a fifth year senior who ought to know better, but who played against the Seminoles with the skill and decorum of a drunk-dialing Donald Trump. Boyd, who some wags had as a potential first round NFL draft pick, finished the evening completing 17 of 37 throws for 156 yards and rushing 14 times for a whopping 8 yards. Case McCoy’s not looking so bad now, is he?
Go-to-your-happy-place Steve Spurrier’s Game Cocks (insert your own pre-pubescent joke here) lost on the road to Tennessee, whose all-orange unis looked like an unwrapped sherbet Push-Up. Carolina’s starting QB Connor Shaw was injured, but falling to the lowly Volunteers is like a six-year old Down Syndrome child losing a game of chess to Ted Cruz – inexcusable.
Ole Miss whipped LSU, leading many Longhorns to reevaluate our preconference loss to the Rebels. After all, the Horns lost to the team that beat the team that lost to the team that… Never mind. The Rebels had a chance the previous week against Texas A&M, but fell flatter than an Obama ad shown during “Duck Dynasty.” This week, they got it right, and Miles’ post-game press conference left numerous editors over the country scrambling to determine if “piss-poor” is hyphenated. (It is, for those of you wondering.)
In Big 12 news, both Tech and Baylor continued their unbeaten streaks. These two perennial low-level programs are in the top 10 in national polls. It’s as if the guy who for years picked up dog poo on the White House lawn was suddenly promoted to a top job like, for instance, running the Obamacare web site. We’ll see this weekend how the promotion goes for Tech as they travel to Norman, where the alternatively Gray, Black, Camouflage or Red Raiders won as recently as 2011.
Baylor travels to Lawrence, where the Bears should be heavily favored against Chucky Weiss’ Fighting Shamus.
The real story of the weekend, though, was the barnburner in College Station between the Aggies and the Auburn War Tigers. I mean the term “barnburner” literally, as several wooden agricultural structures in the greater Bryan area went up in cinders as confused, over-medicated farmers in maroon overalls attempted to burn literal horse collars to protest the no-call against A&M quarterback Johnny Jesus. Manziel, who missed part of the game with an unspecified shoulder injury, couldn’t overcome A&M’s porous defense thatspread it wider than a Kardashian for a washed-up NBA star.
The back-and-forth game was actually entertaining to watch in the same way the ten year Iran-Iraq War was fascinating. With two losses and growing speculation about Manziel’s NFL future and Coach Kevin Sumlin’s tenure in College Station, the Gomer Nation’s vision of multiple national championships under the leadership of Johnny Autograph is looking more and more like it will need a divine intervention. It’s hard to feel pity for a nationally-ranked team with a popular, instantly-recognizable quarterback, but the Aggies’ future without Our Lord and Savior looks bleaker than Matt LeBlanc’s acting career.
I wonder if college football teams could be on “Dancing With the Stars”? Wouldn’t all the Corps Turds look great in sequins and a spray tan?
They’d be the height of fashion.
A 1986 graduate of the University of Texas, Jeff Conner has held many jobs in his life: husband, brother, uncle, son, oil field roustabout, short-order cook, sandblaster, irrigation pipe mover, musician, retail assistant manager, attorney-at-law, public school teacher, preacher, cartoonist and writer. While he does have a hot, young wife, Conner is neither as clever nor as good-looking as he believes himself to be. Jeff is currently teaching 8th grade math and Pre-A.P. algebra in Taylor, Texas, home of the Fighting Ducks. Conner’s regularly submitted commentary appears in InsideTexas.com and Inside Texas Magazine. The opinions presented do not necessarily reflect the views of the Inside Texas editorial staff.