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C-BOG: Meeting of Minds

In his political and pop-culture infused off-beat commentary known as Conner’s Burnt Orange Glasses, Longhorn fan Jeff Conner presents his one-act play, starring Mack Brown, Will Muschamp and Greg Davis.
(Lights up. MACK BROWN and WILL

MUSCHAMP are seated at a large desk in a nondescript office, MB at

the head, and WM on stage left. Both glance at their wristwatches as

if time is an issue. Momentarily, enter GREG DAVIS from stage

right.) GD: (Singing atonally) “Sweet

Caroline – BUM, BUM, BUM – good times never seemed so good – SO

GOOD! SO GOOD! SO GOOD!” MB: Where you been, Greg? We’ve

been waiting. GD: I just love that song! I had no

idea that long-haired fella was so popular with the kids. WM: (Clearly annoyed) Neil Diamond? Are you kidding? His last hit was in the early 80’s – before the

seniors on this team were even born. GD: Hey, the whole stadium sang his

little tune at halftime – you know, with the marching band. I

mean, everybody was going, “BUM, BUM, BUM”! It was terrific! MB: (More annoyed) You were listening

to the damn band at halftime? You weren’t worried about our

field-goal kickin’ offense? GD: Settle down, Mack. I’ve told

you for years that a field goal is half a touchdown, so turn that

frown upside down, Mr. Grouchy-Britches! WM: (Shaking head, with face in palm

of hand) We’ve lost three in a row and four out of five, Greg. We’re averaging 23 stinking points a game… GD: (Interrupting, smiling

confidently) 23 point 3, Will. WM: …and you’re doing halftime

karaoke? GD: I just happened to be listening. It’s a very snazzy tune, Will. You gotta learn how to connect to

the youngsters these days, with their box socials and music videos

and all. Plus, I already knew what plays to call in the second half. WM: (Sarcastically) Yeah, I’m sure

you stayed up all night thinking of those… GD: Mack, he’s doing it again. MB: Will… (Behind Mack’s back, GD sticks his

tongue out at WM, making an ugly face) MB: (Anticipating what GD is doing

from years of experience, without even turning around) Quit, Greg! Seriously, guys, what are we gonna do about this mess? GD: (Sarcastically, directed toward

WM) I don’t know. Why don’t we anoint the next head coach? MD: Greg, we’ve talked about this. You said you didn’t want the job, and you were happy where you

were. GD: Maybe I was kidding. You ever

think about that, Mack? You ever think that other people have

feelings, huh? WM: Oh, good lord, you whiney baby! Will you just shut up about the “head coach in waiting” thing? Why don’t you just put the ball in the damn end zone? GD: I don’t know. Why don’t you

have any safeties that can tackle? WM: You son of a… (Leaps over desk. Physically restrained by MB) MB: Will! Settle down! How would I

explain it if my defensive coordinator beats up my offensive

coordinator? How would that look on ESPN? WM: (Wild, angry look in his eye,

completely serious tone) Oh, I won’t leave any bruises that show in

public. GD: (Repeats in a mocking, sarcastic

voice) “I won’t leave any bruises.” Remember, Bonny Prince

Willy, we won all kinds of ball games around here before you showed

up. (Wistfully) Back then it was just Mac and me. WM: Yeah, one conference championship

in a decade, losing to OU five times in a row, the 2007 season. Hell

of a resume. GD: Everybody who’s won the Broyles

Award for Coordinator of the Year award raise their hands. (MB and WM

stare at each other as GD enthusiastically raises his hand and holds

it aloft for a while). I can go get my trophy if you don’t believe

me. It’s right down the hall in my offensive coordinator’s

office. Wanna see? WM: (Rediscovering his anger) Bring

that freakin’ trophy down here and watch me stick it up your… MB: (Quickly interrupting) O.K., Will. We get it. Let’s get back on track. How are we going to fix this

team? How will we save the season? GD: What’s to save? We’re gaining

yards like crazy. We’ve been to the red zone just as many times

this year as we were last year. You said so in your presser. You

know we actually outgained our opponents in almost every game this

year? Statistics don’t lie, and we outgained Baylor. WM: (Incredulous) Not on the

scoreboard, you nitwit! Greg, we’re 4 and 4. We may not make a

bowl game. GD: Well, sure, if you want to spend

all your time looking at the downside, Negative Nancy. WM: (Getting back on task) Look,

Coach, my kids are giving it the best they can. Baylor has a damn

fine offense, and nobody in the country can shut them out. We lost

gap control on the long run, and Gideon missed a tackle and was out

of position on the long pass plays. Other than that, they averaged

less than 3 yards a play – a team that had been averaging 600 yards

a game. Our defense kept us competitive. I don’t know if my kids

can give you anything beyond that. MB: Yeah, I know, Will, but you know

how things go around here. But you still have to take some of the

fall for the Baylor loss. WM: Sure, Coach, I understand. GD: Well, I’m doing my part. I

stayed up until Leno last night putting together a fancy new set of

wide receiver screens in the flat that I saw Tulsa use against Notre… MB and WM: (Screaming, blurting out in

unison) Just throw the damn ball down the field! (Uncomfortable dead silence) MB: (Recovering, contrite) Sorry,

Greg. That just kind of came out. I didn’t mean to lose my

composure. GD: (Obviously hurt) Well. I know two

people who aren’t getting any homemade chocolate chip cookies

today. MB: Seriously, Greg. Can’t we run

the ball, let Gilbert throw off play-action, and try an occasional

deep pass to keep the other guy’s safeties honest? GD: (Quietly) Can I keep my wide

receiver screens? MB: (Sighs heavily) Yeah, Greg. You

can run an occasional bubble screen. GD: (Brightly) O.K.! Well, gotta run. Hey, I just made a joke! Imagine that! (Sings atonally while

exiting stage right) “I’ve been inclined – BUM, BUM, BUM – to

believe they never would.” MB: (Confiding in WM) We’re screwed,

aren’t we? WM: Seriously, what does he have on

you? E-mails to your girlfriend? Photos of naked kids? Illegal

slush fund papers? MB: (Sighs heavily) Will, you don’t

want to know. (Fade to black)

Longhorn fan Jeff Conner is an attorney with a solo civil practice in Lubbock, Texas who graduated from the University of Texas School of Law in 1986. Conner’s regularly submitted commentary appears in InsideTexas.com and Inside Texas Magazine. The opinions presented do not necessarily reflect the views of the Inside Texas editorial staff.