In his political and pop-culture infused off-beat commentary known as Conner’s Burnt Orange Glasses, Longhorn fan Jeff Conner presents his one-act play, starring Mack Brown, Will Muschamp and Greg Davis.
(Lights up. MACK BROWN and WILL
MUSCHAMP are seated at a large desk in a nondescript office, MB at
the head, and WM on stage left. Both glance at their wristwatches as
if time is an issue. Momentarily, enter GREG DAVIS from stage
right.) GD: (Singing atonally) “Sweet
Caroline – BUM, BUM, BUM – good times never seemed so good – SO
GOOD! SO GOOD! SO GOOD!” MB: Where you been, Greg? We’ve
been waiting. GD: I just love that song! I had no
idea that long-haired fella was so popular with the kids. WM: (Clearly annoyed) Neil Diamond? Are you kidding? His last hit was in the early 80’s – before the
seniors on this team were even born. GD: Hey, the whole stadium sang his
little tune at halftime – you know, with the marching band. I
mean, everybody was going, “BUM, BUM, BUM”! It was terrific! MB: (More annoyed) You were listening
to the damn band at halftime? You weren’t worried about our
field-goal kickin’ offense? GD: Settle down, Mack. I’ve told
you for years that a field goal is half a touchdown, so turn that
frown upside down, Mr. Grouchy-Britches! WM: (Shaking head, with face in palm
of hand) We’ve lost three in a row and four out of five, Greg. We’re averaging 23 stinking points a game… GD: (Interrupting, smiling
confidently) 23 point 3, Will. WM: …and you’re doing halftime
karaoke? GD: I just happened to be listening. It’s a very snazzy tune, Will. You gotta learn how to connect to
the youngsters these days, with their box socials and music videos
and all. Plus, I already knew what plays to call in the second half. WM: (Sarcastically) Yeah, I’m sure
you stayed up all night thinking of those… GD: Mack, he’s doing it again. MB: Will… (Behind Mack’s back, GD sticks his
tongue out at WM, making an ugly face) MB: (Anticipating what GD is doing
from years of experience, without even turning around) Quit, Greg! Seriously, guys, what are we gonna do about this mess? GD: (Sarcastically, directed toward
WM) I don’t know. Why don’t we anoint the next head coach? MD: Greg, we’ve talked about this. You said you didn’t want the job, and you were happy where you
were. GD: Maybe I was kidding. You ever
think about that, Mack? You ever think that other people have
feelings, huh? WM: Oh, good lord, you whiney baby! Will you just shut up about the “head coach in waiting” thing? Why don’t you just put the ball in the damn end zone? GD: I don’t know. Why don’t you
have any safeties that can tackle? WM: You son of a… (Leaps over desk. Physically restrained by MB) MB: Will! Settle down! How would I
explain it if my defensive coordinator beats up my offensive
coordinator? How would that look on ESPN? WM: (Wild, angry look in his eye,
completely serious tone) Oh, I won’t leave any bruises that show in
public. GD: (Repeats in a mocking, sarcastic
voice) “I won’t leave any bruises.” Remember, Bonny Prince
Willy, we won all kinds of ball games around here before you showed
up. (Wistfully) Back then it was just Mac and me. WM: Yeah, one conference championship
in a decade, losing to OU five times in a row, the 2007 season. Hell
of a resume. GD: Everybody who’s won the Broyles
Award for Coordinator of the Year award raise their hands. (MB and WM
stare at each other as GD enthusiastically raises his hand and holds
it aloft for a while). I can go get my trophy if you don’t believe
me. It’s right down the hall in my offensive coordinator’s
office. Wanna see? WM: (Rediscovering his anger) Bring
that freakin’ trophy down here and watch me stick it up your… MB: (Quickly interrupting) O.K., Will. We get it. Let’s get back on track. How are we going to fix this
team? How will we save the season? GD: What’s to save? We’re gaining
yards like crazy. We’ve been to the red zone just as many times
this year as we were last year. You said so in your presser. You
know we actually outgained our opponents in almost every game this
year? Statistics don’t lie, and we outgained Baylor. WM: (Incredulous) Not on the
scoreboard, you nitwit! Greg, we’re 4 and 4. We may not make a
bowl game. GD: Well, sure, if you want to spend
all your time looking at the downside, Negative Nancy. WM: (Getting back on task) Look,
Coach, my kids are giving it the best they can. Baylor has a damn
fine offense, and nobody in the country can shut them out. We lost
gap control on the long run, and Gideon missed a tackle and was out
of position on the long pass plays. Other than that, they averaged
less than 3 yards a play – a team that had been averaging 600 yards
a game. Our defense kept us competitive. I don’t know if my kids
can give you anything beyond that. MB: Yeah, I know, Will, but you know
how things go around here. But you still have to take some of the
fall for the Baylor loss. WM: Sure, Coach, I understand. GD: Well, I’m doing my part. I
stayed up until Leno last night putting together a fancy new set of
wide receiver screens in the flat that I saw Tulsa use against Notre… MB and WM: (Screaming, blurting out in
unison) Just throw the damn ball down the field! (Uncomfortable dead silence) MB: (Recovering, contrite) Sorry,
Greg. That just kind of came out. I didn’t mean to lose my
composure. GD: (Obviously hurt) Well. I know two
people who aren’t getting any homemade chocolate chip cookies
today. MB: Seriously, Greg. Can’t we run
the ball, let Gilbert throw off play-action, and try an occasional
deep pass to keep the other guy’s safeties honest? GD: (Quietly) Can I keep my wide
receiver screens? MB: (Sighs heavily) Yeah, Greg. You
can run an occasional bubble screen. GD: (Brightly) O.K.! Well, gotta run. Hey, I just made a joke! Imagine that! (Sings atonally while
exiting stage right) “I’ve been inclined – BUM, BUM, BUM – to
believe they never would.” MB: (Confiding in WM) We’re screwed,
aren’t we? WM: Seriously, what does he have on
you? E-mails to your girlfriend? Photos of naked kids? Illegal
slush fund papers? MB: (Sighs heavily) Will, you don’t
want to know. (Fade to black)
Longhorn fan Jeff Conner is an attorney with a solo civil practice in Lubbock, Texas who graduated from the University of Texas School of Law in 1986. Conner’s regularly submitted commentary appears in InsideTexas.com and Inside Texas Magazine. The opinions presented do not necessarily reflect the views of the Inside Texas editorial staff.
