In his political and pop-culture infused off-beat commentary known as “Conner’s Burnt Orange Glasses”, columnist Jeff Conner, in the art of verse, tales a tale of when the Piggies came waddling to town.
High up in the Ozarks, away from the world Is a wondrous, mystical place Where houses have wheels, and moonshine has stills And there’s only one real disgrace I’ll tell you a tale; I’ll share what I know Of a people who make a weird sound It’s part of the strange things you’ll see and you’ll hear When the Piggies come waddling to town.
Their state is the home of a business so large It dwarfs other stores that compare Paying wages so small, it’s like nothing at all Family shops to compete will not dare With too-low-a-pricing and slave labor goods It decimates cities’ downtowns It eats and destroys, remarkably like When the Piggies come waddling to town.
Oh, the things that you’ll see and the smells that you’ll smell I’m sure your mind isn’t prepared For the horrors and shocks; double-check all your locks And try very hard not to stare Teen girls missing teeth and men wearing mullets Society’s not come unwound It’s just the freak show you get every time The Piggies come waddling to town
About only one thing Jews and Arabs agree In their hate they share one thing as men That a pig is so vile, it makes Satan smile And to eat of it’s flesh is a sin Pigs live in their filth, in their own tepid waste If that doesn’t offend, you’re unwound Disgusting-er creatures have never been seen When those Piggies come waddling to town
I mentioned these strange folk have just one disgrace Just one form of shame, if you will There’s a school that they hate, and the angst they create Is the bitterest-swallowing pill In a place they call Texas, in Hill Country air Where the Burnt Orange color abounds Longhorns run wild and enjoy life’s rich feast ‘Till the Piggies come waddling to town
Some things are forgotten, remembered no more Some things should be left and not mentioned The Confederate South still gets down in the mouth ‘Bout the War of Northern Aggression Democrats whine of an election once stolen Pregnant chad rants bring me down Get over it, brother, it’s final and done ‘Till the Piggies come waddling to town
There once was a conference, the Southwestern kind The Horns whipped the Pigs frequently But they can’t let it go, these things long ago An obsessed mind will never be free To lose to the Texans is such a disgrace Worse than Brittany dying hair brown Worse than visiting Grandma in prison on Christmas So the Piggies come waddling to town
Then they hired a new coach, a traveling man Never in one place too long He swears he’ll bring things, like championship rings But he’ll leave for a buck and a song ‘Cos there’s always more promises that can be made Desperate fans know that sound He sold them a pig in a poke, as it were Pokey Piggies come waddling to town
So they lined up and played, the Horns and the Hogs The Texas offense really clicked But the defense was badder; the red team was sadder Turns out their QB wasn’t Dick There were sacks and hard hits and ferocious assaults Our DC has earned his renown ‘Cos we blistered their pink porcine bottoms that day When the Piggies came waddling to town
So what is the moral, and what have we learned From a trip down our memory hall? We have nothing to gain; the Hogs always stain We won’t miss these mud-floppers at all The “soo-pig,” the cursing, the dim-witted looks There’s a reason some people hate clowns I would lose nary a moment of sleep If the Pigs nevermore came to town
Jeff Conner’s political and pop culture-infused Longhorn commentary appears regularly in the Inside Texas magazine and at InsideTexas.com.