Hey, Pulling For OU? Don’t.

Sam Ehlinger. (Will Gallagher/IT)
Sam Ehlinger. (Will Gallagher/IT)

Or if you have a friend who is, send them my screed.

It happens. Every year. Some Texas fans find contorted, self-hating reasons for pulling for the Oklahoma Sooners. Let’s explore their thinking obvious mental disorder.

Look guys, I know they’re a rival, but I want the Big 12 to look strong!

First of all, the Sooner the Big 12 is bathed in layers of sweet napalm, set alight, its ashes gathered together, locked into a tactical nuclear warhead, and dropped to the bottom of the Marianas Trench from a B-52 cruising at 35,000 feet, the better for Texas.

The conference stinks. It’s an albatross on the realization of fun football for the fans, the elevation of our national profile, our in-state profile, our participation in the future of sports television, good game day experiences, epic road trips, and the necessary athletic and institutional pressure required from peer and like institutions to shake us from the habitual complacency that infests Bellmont like chlamydia on South Padre Island during Spring Break.

Whatever your feeling on the league, OU winning doesn’t make the conference look strong. It makes OU look strong. We never want Oklahoma to look strong. For reasons strategic, tactical, emotional, partisan, objective, karmic and based on any baseline understanding of good and evil.

It makes Texas look better if the Sooners win the MNC. They barely beat us, you know! 

It’s never good for Texas when OU wins anything. Ever. It’s one of the few Iron Laws of Life. Like never trusting a white guy with a soul patch.

No one cares we barely beat them. Alabama barely beat Texas A&M. Georgia barely beat Notre Dame. Auburn actually beat both Alabama and Georgia. No one cares. They care about who is hoisting the trophy at the end.

You know who else cares? Recruits in the state of Texas. And in your desired world, our proof of New Head Coach Concept is 7-6 and OU’s is Undisputed National Champion with wins over a murderer’s row of the national elite. Tell me how to spin that narrative in 2019 living rooms. OU already has a story to tell of habitual winning during those players lifetimes (Texas doesn’t) and now has a young staff that appears to actually be re-engaged in recruiting Texas. You want to fuel that, then try to remora fish them by saying we lost to ’em in a tight game and held ’em under 30? Woo-wee. Look at us.

That’s your plan?

Hey, I’m just tired of the S-E-C! ESPN and all of the talking heads prop them up! 

I’m tired of the SEC, too. So pull for Clemson.

I hate Clemson. 

Then pull for a meteor strike. Or go read a book or play with your kids. Just stop talking about pulling for OU. Or provide me with your UT diploma so I can set it on fire. If you didn’t go to UT, provide me with something else you hold dear so I can place it gently into a wood chipper.

I don’t know, man. I just feel like it’s good for Texas if Oklahoma wins cuz a lot of their players come from Texas high schools! Let’s support Texas high school football!

Those players are traitors who would have fought for the British in the Revolutionary War. The British weren’t evil, but they talked funny, wore crimson, ate crappy food and didn’t know how to act right in public. Just like most Sooners.

We should pull for the Big 12! It’s our league – for better or for worse. 

For not liking the SEC, you sure think like their fans. Specifically, the ones from the loser schools who can’t win anything themselves and so vicariously live through the elite SEC schools that routinely beat their ass. Do you know what a cuck is? Don’t look it up. Just go stand in front of a mirror and spin around with your arms out.

But, but….everyone says mean things about the Big 12! I’m tired of it.

Most of them are smart Texas fans.

Well, I’m pulling for OU. I don’t care what you say. You’re a bully. 

I’m not a bully.

I would just like to physically, verbally and emotionally attack you until you do what I want.

Hmm. On second thought, you may have a point. But I’m right. Trust me. There’s no payoff for you here.

You’re a Texas fan. Conduct yourself accordingly. And honor the Iron Laws.

Hook ’em.